Eskimo Kingdom

I decided I didn't want a normal death when I was a child, like a car crash. No! my death had to be special. I decided I wanted lions to tear me a part and eat me, I thought that was a noble way to die. But when I was a teenager I realized there were no real lions in Iceland and there were no nobility in dieing so I choose pills. But the pills only took my half way and seemed to hurt a few people around me. But they didn't hurt my parents much and not for too long either. Everyone seemed to fade back into the normality of their normal life's and that was that little Eva was just a strange and a ugly little soul seemed normal to everyone else. And now they've changed their minds and want to change me, tell me to be happy, tell me to love and adore myself or like some have turned their backs against me. I am confused and tempted to buy myself a ticket to Africa! If it only wasn't for Carebear, I can not think of a way to disappear or die without hurting him. But here lies a big conflict because I am hurting him right now and have been for nearly a year for just being me. I hate myself and I want a magic spell for him to forget about me. I was so foolish to think I was happy, normal and not myself when I met him. I thought I was not me anymore. How can I make this right??? By living or dieing? Both will hurt him. I am taking my pills, I go to the nut house for those seminars, I even go to school and pretend to be normal. But I do not have the energy to pretend all the time. Feel free to hate me.